


Yullen Week 2013

by TheRedDragon173



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Character Study, M/M, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts, Yullen, Yullen Week 2013, yullen week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-09 23:36:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 19,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5560207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRedDragon173/pseuds/TheRedDragon173
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my attempt to fill the Yullen Week 2013 prompts. To say they're "not on time" is a massive understatement, as I am well aware. The stories range from introspective to light-hearted, depending on the prompt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Until the end, I'll fight alongside you

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own D.Gray-Man, obviously.  
> Author's Note: 11/15 chapters are done and up on FF.net. So I'm uploading them here, now that I have an AO3. I do intend to finish it, believe it or not.

Main Theme: "Until the End, I'll fight alongside you."

* * *

Allen POV:

When was it, I wonder, that you became more than just a wannabe samurai with a stick up his ass? When was it that I began to see you in a different light?

Maybe it had always been that way. Maybe I'd been deluding myself right from the start, telling myself that I hated you. Maybe I just feared to admit the truth, even to myself: that when I looked at you, I saw myself.

Yeah, that must be it. I saw myself in you, in a different life. In the beginning, I had nothing. Mana, when he found me, became my life. He was my father, my teacher, my _world_. Losing him was… Catastrophic. Traumatic. Agonizing. Even now, all these years later, I still can't explain the pain, not really. The only reason I could keep going at all was his mantra: _Keep walking._ And as for Master Cross… well, I certainly wouldn't give him a Father of the Year award, that's for sure. Do I care about him? Probably. But he was nothing like Mana. With Cross I had to learn to hide my pain, to smile and move on, to do whatever it took to maintain the image of a strong person. The world punishes weakness; I learned that the hard way. I learned to act nice to others, because if you smile bright you gain the ability to bewitch and beguile. Since so long ago, I've worn a mask, and no one's ever managed to see through it. That is, until you came around.

Those piercing black eyes of yours seemed to bore into my very soul. In a moment they recognized me for what I was, and I have never felt so exposed.

And it terrified me, honestly, to be seen so clearly by someone I had just met. So I struck out at you. Of course, it helped that _you_ insulted _me_ first…

Nonetheless, I got to know you slowly, but surely. Not that I wanted to; it just sort of happened. In Mater I realized that you were dependable, trustworthy. That despite your cold exterior, you were loyal to your allies, would fight for them to the last breath. And that after they're gone, you grieve for them, for the people you couldn't save.

And I guess it just kind of snowballed from there. Before I knew it, I began to look forward to our little spats. Sure, they bother other people, and I'm not too big on that, but I get to spend quality time with you, so it's worth it. And I think you feel the same.

After all these years, I feel I've come to know you. You still won't talk to me much, and any talking we do tends to end in destroyed buildings, but hey, that's just how it goes.

Our relationship isn't like the ones you find in books. I care for you, Kanda, but I can never tell you how much. And it's not just our complete inability to have a normal conversation. You're too stiff, too cold, and even though I know you care, deep down, you could never see me the way I see you. I love you, Kanda, with all of my heart. Forever and ever, that will remain my most jealously guarded secret. Even should you find love one day, I'll never speak a word. I'll just keep doing what I've always done.

Until the end, I'll fight alongside you, you stupid BaKanda.

* * *

Kanda POV:

When was it, I wonder, that I began to see you as more than must a cursed child? When did I begin to see you in a different light?

To be honest, in the beginning, I feared you. I'm not talking about the white hair or the hand _or_ the scar. I feared your curse. I saw it right away. You smiled at me as you extended your hand in greeting, but I brushed you off rudely. Because I have my _own_ curse, and I was afraid, terrified, in fact, that you too would realize what I instinctively knew from the moment I met you; that we were kindred spirits.

Our past and our histories are too similar for us to get along. Were I to shake your hand, get to know you, I might end up relying on you, letting you into my heart. And I couldn't do that. I've done it before, and not just once. Each time, I only end up losing them, that precious person.

Call me a coward, if you want. You'd be right. But Alma was everything to me. Losing him was… Horrible. Dreadful. Excruciating. I… I can't even explain it properly.

I couldn't save him, I couldn't save _anyone_. I _still_ can't save anyone. Forget the Lotus Blossom. Forget the tattoo that enhances my ability to heal while it steadily drains my life force. My true curse is that I always lose the people I hold dear.

And that's why I can't come near you. If I do, you'll die like all the rest. And I couldn't take that. Not you.

Because you are beautiful and bright. You have your darkness sure; I know that better than anyone else. But somehow, even after all the pain you've been through, you still manage to _smile_. That is what true strength is. Me, I can't do it. All I can do it be haughty and cruel, hoping that it'll make other people hate me. If they stay away, they won't die. Even better, if they hate me, I'll have no reason to care for them. At least that's what I tell myself…

The two of us, we are like yin and yang. Except we could never coexist like two glistening koi fish that circle each other in a pond. If I'm lucky, we'd both be destroyed, but let's face it, I'm usually not, so it would probably only be you. And then I would stay here alone, lost without my other half, doomed to carry the burden and the guilt of your death on my shoulders as well, along with all the others.

That's what you are, you know: my other half. We're the same really, a perfect match set. We complete each other. Not because opposites attract. That's just bullshit. It works between us because we are the same, we _understand_ each other, in a way nobody else ever could.

But I'll bet you don't know that. I'll bet you never realize how perfect we are for each other, how amazing we could be together. And I don't just mean as comrades, but as something much, much more. Not that I ever want you to realize it, not really. Like I've already said, if you get too close, you'll end up dead. So what I want is for you to find someone, someone who can love you, and be with you, and heal your wounds. I'll never say a word, never tell you that it could be otherwise. I'll continue to do what I've always done.

Until the end, I'll fight alongside you, Moyashi.


	2. Halcyon

Theme 1: Halcyon

A period of time in the past that was idyllically happy and peaceful

* * *

Honestly, my life has never been easy. Actually, I guess it would be more accurate to say _neither_ of my lives have been.

As an exorcist, especially working in the Black Order, I was bound to encounter pain. And not the "ouch I got a paper cut" kind either. But I think even considering that, I've had it rough. Most exorcists struggle and suffer their way through life, which isn't really saying much, because this business isn't exactly famous for the longevity of those involved. But when they've done their work, and they've killed as many Akuma as they could, they die and move on, hopefully to a better place. But not me, oh no. _I_ had to get my ass resurrected. Some might say that's a good thing; I got a second chance at life, after all. But I disagree, because my second life turned out to be even worse than the first.

You see, in my first life, there was a woman I loved, a woman I married. We were both exorcists, and we both died in the same battle. But, true to my luck, she died first, and I had to shoulder the pain and guilt until the Akuma got me. It's not like we didn't have a good run of it, though. Honestly, my past life isn't entirely clear. It comes back to me in flashes, in my dreams. But that which I do remember is gruesome painted over in shades of honey. Because no matter how painful things might have been, I had _her_. And then she died.

Thanks to the Black Order's meddling, however, I got to see her again, in the form of Alma. In the facility where they trained us, the only two Second Exorcists who they succeeded in creating, I was happy. Sure, I grumped and I moaned and I acted cruel, but that's just me. The fact of the matter is, being with Alma made me… content. And then, of course, it all went to Hell. When Alma realized what we were, he went berserk. That day, I had to kill my best friend, my _wife_. Or at least I thought I did. It turned out the order preserved his remains. _Real_ good idea that was. In the end, it was only due to Allen's help that he and I managed to get away from the Order and the Noah. And even that was only to Mater, where I watched Alma die for the third and final time.

And speaking of the Moyashi… My time with him was my third period of happiness. I never told him, of course, never even let it on. I'd learned the hard way that even _having_ emotions is dangerous, but acting on them gets the ones you love killed. That seems to be my luck, for whatever reason. I guess the universe just plain hates me. Because, _obviously_ , it happened again. Just when I was finally beginning to warm towards him, beginning to think that "Hey, maybe I can try this", we got sucked into that whole thing with the Ark. From there on out, everything started spiraling out of control. Before I knew it, Allen was gone. I know that I'm partly to blame, but the point is what it is: I was happy with him, and I lost him. Even after Johnny and I found him again; we had a hold on him for only the shortest little while, before he managed to slip away again. And I get the feeling he's not coming back. I don't think I'll ever see the Moyashi again, with his glossy white hair and porcelain skin, and those gorgeous eyes.

Allen is gone, just like Alma, and I'm left here, reminiscing of halcyon.


	3. Partners

Theme 2: Partners

* * *

"Remind me again why I'm here?"

"Look, BaKanda, I don't like it any more than you do, but you know what, I think our hands are tied on this one."

"Che. Why did that stupid Professor Kamui even pair us up in the first place?"

"Probably wanted to make sure neither of us used the project as an excuse to get closer to his precious Lenalee. In case you didn't notice, she was the only one without a partner, so he told her she could pair with him."

"Che. She's not gonna have to do an ounce of work and she's still gonna get an A+, isn't she?"

"Come on, don't be mean to Lenalee just because her brother's crazy. It's not her fault."

"Che."

For the record, this had not been Allen Walker's idea. He just kinda got dragged into it, as always. If it hadn't been for Lavi's idiot scheme to make stink bombs, of all things, (Geez, was he a _child_?), the school's chemistry lab wouldn't have gotten blown up, and Allen wouldn't have to see the stupid samurai, sword and all, sitting on _Allen's_ couch. Not that it really mattered, he guessed, after all, it wasn't _really_ his – Cross Marian, his famously absent foster father, had bought the couch. Still, Allen hadn't seen hide nor hair of Cross for more than a year, so he figured he could safely call the couch his.

But none of this really mattered. What _did_ matter was that now, instead of being paired with a dude who didn't seem capable of understanding that wandering swordsmen _don't exist anymore_ for a mere 2 day lab experiment, they would have to spend the next _2 weeks_ working on putting together a report on caloriometry. To top it all off, he actually didn't understand the material. Allen _always_ understood the material. Except of course, when a mad teacher assigned it as a report that he suddenly decided is worth 10% of your grade. But isn't that the way it always goes?

"Not that I have any inclination to spend any of my precious time with a Moyashi such as yourself, but we do need to get this done, and I have practice later. So where should we start?"

"Ummm… Well… Here's the thing… I don't really know. I kinda… don't understand it."

"The material or the project?"

"Both."

"Che. I guess there's just no helping it. I've only got half an hour until practice, so nothing we can do now, but come over to my house tomorrow. I'll explain the material, and we can get started on the planning. Sound fair?"

"You… you're gonna help me?"

"Che. It's not just _your_ grade, Moyashi.´

"Stop calling me that!"

"I'll call you whatever I want, _Moyashi_."

"Shut up, BAKANDA!"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!"

Just at that moment a golden ball of fur catapulted itself into Kanda's chest. He barely managed to catch it properly and keep from falling over. Looking down into his arms he saw a sandy-furred kitten staring up at him with big yellow eyes, seemingly expecting something. Sitting back down in the couch he'd leapt up from in his rage, he laid the cat on his lap and began to pet her. Almost instantaneously the little ball of fur began to purr loudly.

"What's her name?"

"Timcanpy. I found her not long ago." Silence. "I didn't know you like cats."

"They're calm, gentle animals mostly, but they're also fierce and haughty and proud. I have a black one named Golem."

Allen waited for a bit, but an elaboration didn't seem forthcoming. So he hesitantly moved to sit next to Kanda so he could pet Timcanpy, too. They stayed that way, silent, until Kanda abruptly stood and announced that he had practice to attend. With that he was gone. Only Timcanpy seemed bothered, though. She let out a loud mewl of protest, to which Allen responded by picking her up and carrying her towards the kitchen.

"Come on, Tim, time for dinner."

* * *

Allen had agreed sort of mindlessly to Kanda's offer of help, and he hadn't really thought it through. It was only now that he realized Kanda's "tomorrow", now today, was a _Friday_. Jeez, he had better things to do than stay home and study. Allen was lucky enough to be part of that select group of kids at school who are intelligent, yet alternative and aloof enough to be considered cool. Friday nights meant parties, not staying indoors studying with guys you hated.

And on that note, was Kanda really so devoid of a social life that he would rather explain chemistry to his project partner than go out with friends? That didn't make much sense. After all, Kanda was extremely popular. Intelligent and aloof, but also an incredible swordsman, there were rumors that Kanda had been scouted by the National Kendo Association to compete in international competitions. And even his detestable manners were made up for in the minds of his admirers by his fantastic looks. Tall and lean with long black hair, Kanda's form-fitting clothing could make nearly anyone drool. So what was he doing home on a Friday? Why wasn't he out with people?

 _Whatever_ , Allen thought, _the bigger problem is that he expects me to hang with him tonight_. Lost as he was in his thoughts, Allen ended up walking straight into someone.

"Sorry!" Allen gasped hurriedly, "I wasn't really paying attention."

"No problem," smiled a black-haired girl in pigtails and a miniskirt.

"Lenalee! Hey! How ya been?"

"Fine, thank you, Allen. How's the project with Kanda coming?"

"See, that's actually my problem right now. We kinda agreed to work on it tonight and tomorrow, but I mean, it's Friday! Why can't we just have fun?"

"Because my big brother is going to grade your projects especially harshly."

"Why?!"

"You're my friends. My _male_ friends. Man, I'm just lucky Lavi isn't with us in there."

"Touché. So what do you think I should do?"

"Do the project. There will be plenty of other Friday night parties for you to attend."

"You're right, of course. I just don't really get along with him, ya'no? He's so… distant. It's difficult to talk to him."

"That's because Kanda doesn't like talking. Try watching a movie with him or something. Any activity that doesn't involve verbal exchange should do."

"How do you know that?"

"He's a family friend. His foster father, Tiedoll, is friends with my brother."

"I see. Thanks, Lenalee. I'll try it." Allen thought for a moment. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to know where he lives, would you? He invited me over to work on the project, but I don't know his address."

"Kanda invited you over? Really?"

"Yeah. Is that weird?"

"No, just surprising. He tends to prefer solitude, especially in his own home. I'll give you his address, but call him and give him a ten minute's heads up. If you just show up, he might take your head off."

"Literally?"

"Literally."

* * *

Allen made his way hesitantly up the pathway to Kanda's house. Something about the way the garden looked gave him the distinct impression that it was a traditional Japanese garden. It wasn't just the plants; there was a mystical feel to it. Plus, there was a traditional Japanese wooden gate. Reaching the door, Allen raised his fist and knocked, seeing as he couldn't find a door bell anywhere. He waited for a minute, but nothing happened, so he tried again. Still nothing. Sighing in exasperation, Allen tried the door, quite surprised to see it actually opened. Hesitantly, glancing from side to side expecting a sword to come at him at any moment, Allen made his way through the hall. Suddenly, something brushed up against his leg, and he jumped nearly 3 feet into the air.

"Mrrrooowwww!" came the disgruntled sound of a cat displeased with the sudden movement. Heart still beating a mile a minute, Allen sat down on the ground next the cat with the glossy black coat that had just scared him half to death. The cat's midnight fur was marred only by a white spot on its head.

"You must be Golem," Allen smiled, extending his hand. The cat, presumably named Golem, acquiesced to the offered petting with typical feline grace, as if _he_ were doing _Allen_ a favor in allowing him to stroke his silky fur. The impression was marred slightly by Golem's purring, though.

"I'm surprised. Golem doesn't usually take to strangers."

Allen whirled around so fast he nearly fell over, even in his sitting position. "K-K-KANDA! I-I-I-I'm sorry! The door was open, and you didn't answer and there was the cat and… YOU'RE NOT WEARING ANYTHING!"

"Che. I'm wearing a towel, aren't I?"

"Why are you all wet?!"

Kanda gave Allen a look that spoke more than words could ever convey. Then, very slowly, he spoke, "I was in the shower. I do that after training."

"Oh, right. _Right_."

"You ok, baka moyashi? Is it even worth attempting to explain thermodynamics to you today?"

"What?"

Kanda raised an expressive eyebrow.

"Huh? Oh, oh _yeah_. Yeah, yeah, I'm good. We can do chemistry. I have my books all here, see?" Allen held up the shoulder bag he'd placed beside himself when he began petting Golem.

Kanda rolled his eyes. "Whatever; come up to my room. I'll get dressed and then we can do something about patching up the holes in your knowledge, baka moyashi."

Allen stood, followed by a once again irritated seeming Golem, and began to follow Kanda. It was only when they reached Kanda's room and he went behind a screen to change that Allen's brain began to return to him. And he _really_ wished it hadn't.

All he could think about suddenly was Kanda. As he absentmindedly petted the purring black cat, Allen's mind felt the need to remind him of Kanda's tan skin, long black hair, and toned muscular body. Also the way the residual water from his shower had dripped slowly from silky locks to rippling abs to that _really fucking annoying, in-the-way white towel…_ Allen's eyes snapped open, and he covered his mouth and blushing cheeks with the hand that wasn't busy with the cat. The left one, incidentally. _What was that? Did I just think of that towel Kanda was wearing as_ _ **in the way**_ _? Shit, shit, shit, not good. Stop, brain, STOP! This is_ _ **Kanda**_ _; the moody, totally unattractive samurai!_

Allen had known for years that he was gay, and had done his utmost to prevent anyone, even his closest friends from finding out. He had a perfect poker face, and made sure never to show it even if he did develop feelings for someone. The girls never questioned it either because he just used the excuse of being a gentleman and not wanting to take advantage of them to keep his distance. He also made no secret about being a hopeless romantic, which made people assume he was just waiting for the tediously cliché strike of love at first sight.

But now… shit! Of all the bad ideas Allen had had in his life, he was sure that falling for Kanda, or being even remotely attracted to him, would be the worst. The best case scenario would be Kanda not caring because he doesn't care about people. But the worst case… Allen didn't even really want to think about that.

While Allen had been going through his internal turmoil, Kanda had gotten dressed and quietly sat down in front of Allen. He watched with amusement as various expressions crossed Allen's face. "What's up, Moyashi? You're making some pretty funny faces."

"Don't call me bean sprout, BaKanda! And my face isn't funny!"

Kanda leaned back and almost, _almost_ , smiled. "You finally reacted. I was beginning to worry you'd be catatonic all afternoon. Then we wouldn't have been able to get anything done." Then, with a deep-seated sigh, he dragged himself closer to Allen. "So… What don't you understand?"

* * *

Allen was quite surprised to find that Kanda was actually a good teacher. When he wasn't yelling, throwing things at you, telling you you were stupid, or brandishing a sword, he was actually pretty good at explaining the material. By 10 pm they were both completely worn out, but at least Allen finally understood the material, and they'd even managed to put together a rough outline of their project. It was Allen's obnoxiously growling stomach that finally made them stop.

"Jeez, Moyashi, I can't hear myself think next to your stomach."

"Well, sorry that I'm hungry," Allen growled.

Kanda rolled his eyes. "It looks pretty dark outside, must be late, probably way past dinner time. I'll make soba, if you want."

"You-you'd do that?"

"Well, you're a guest. Plus, I'm hungry, too. I haven't eaten yet today."

Allen's eyes widened, "How are you _alive_?"

Kanda just rolled his eyes and walked away grumbling about baka moyashis and how irritating they were.

Soon they were eating at the bar in the kitchen. That's when they noticed the time.

"Crap, it's that late?"

"Parents gonna get mad?"

"Nah, not home. Just not sure how I'm gonna get back to my place this late."

"Why not stay over?"

"Seriously?" Allen raised an eyebrow. Kanda was being oddly accommodating today.

"Yeah, seriously. My parents won't be home, either, and this way we can get a head start on the project in the morning."

"Oh, well, ummm… ok, I guess, if that's cool with you."

"Che. Well, _obviously_ it is, otherwise I wouldn't have offered." He seemed to think for a second. "Wanna watch  Apocalyto?"

"Ok." _Who knows, this might actually be fun._

* * *

"Uuurrgghhhh…" Allen groaned, slowly opening his eyes. For a moment he felt a swell of panic. _Where the hell am I?_ Then, slowly, as he looked around, memories of the night before returned to him. After  Apocalyto, he and Kanda had watched Dark Shadows, and then finished up with Sweeney Todd; The Demon Barber on Fleet Street, just for a change of pace. He had discovered, much to his surprise, that Kanda was quite a movie buff. His shelves were stacked full of Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, The Shining, Indiana Jones, and just about everything in between, as long as it wasn't romance.

Now, judging by the light streaming in through the shaded windows, it was probably well after noon. A quick check of his phone agreed. _2:24pm. Wow._ Allen slowly got up and wandered towards the doorway, sliding the screen door away and glancing around. No Kanda. _Well, duh, stupid. Did you expect him to be waiting outside the door?_

Figuring he'd better try the kitchen, Allen made his way through the house intent on the destination, and not getting lost on the way. That is, until he heard an unnatural _swish-swish-swish_ coming from nearby. Rounding a corner, Allen found himself at the entrance to a typical Japanese dojo. And there, in all his manly glory, was Yuu Kanda, practicing his kendo forms. Not wanting to disturb him, Allen quietly sat down in the doorway and stared.

"Did you really think, just because you were quiet, I wouldn't notice you, Moyashi?" Kanda asked as he finished a set of forms.

"Don't call me Moyashi, BaKanda! And _sorry_ for trying not to disturb you."

"I wasn't insulting you. But you're a couple decades too young to get past a warrior's sensory instincts."

"Right," Allen quipped, rolling his eyes, "Anyway, do you wanna go somewhere for lunch? My treat."

"Really?" Kanda raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, you cooked me food last night. _And_ let me sleep over. You even let me take a bath and borrow this yukata as pajamas. It's the _least_ I can do."

"Well what was I supposed to do, let your stomach keep me awake all night? And let you sleep on the futon in your clothes?"

"Look, I'm trying to thank you. Don't make me regret it."

"Che. Whatever," Kanda huffed, sitting down next to Allen, who tried to ignore that Kanda wasn't _freaking wearing a shirt_ _ **again**_. "So… where do you wanna go?"

"Well, I'm inviting you, so you should choose."

"Che, fine. How about that Chinese buffet about 3 streets away?"

"Buffet? Perfect." Allen grinned.

* * *

"So… is there anything you can do besides eat, Moyashi?" Kanda questioned as they sat around a table putting together their project, having returned from the buffet, where the owner had nearly wept with joy when Allen finally declared he was full. Their project was going far better, and far faster than either of them had expected.

"Well, _BaKanda_ , I'm pretty good at poker, believe it or not."

"Really now," Kanda drawled, "How about showing me."

"Really?" Allen felt an evil smile tugging at his lips but he reigned it in. "What'll the stakes be?"

"Embarrassment."

"What?"

"Let's play strip poker. That'll make it interesting."

"Fine," Allen smiled ominously. "Let's play."

* * *

"Call! Royal Straight Flush!" Allen state imperiously.

Kanda just stared. He had always been quite good at poker, but now… Allen had dominated the game from the outset. And white-haired boy just sat there, looking so innocent in his victorian-steampunk clothes, all still exactly where they were at the beginning of the game. "No fucking way," Kanda growled.

"Oh, come now, Kanda," Allen teased, wagging his finger laughingly, "You aren't going to back out _now_ , are you?" Allen leaned forward, eyes gleaming darkly, "Don't tell me you're not man enough to go through with this?"

"I'll show you man enough," Kanda hissed, standing up. And without even a hint of a blush on his face, he removed his final article of clothing – his boxers.

Allen gulped. Kanda was… Well 'enough' was obviously an understatement. Blushing, he quickly turned away. _Oh man, he is so hot. Shit, I think I'm getting hard…_

Suddenly, there was a slight rustling right next to his ear, and Allen whipped his head around to find Kanda right in front of him. The dark-haired samurai grinned evilly as he pushed Allen down, then straightened up.

"Aha! I knew you were cheating!" Kanda yelled triumphantly, holding the cards he had pulled out from Allen's sleeve in his hand.

Allen couldn't even react. He was too preoccupied with the fact that _Kanda was naked on top of him and if he bothered to look down he would notice that Allen was rock hard in his pants._ And as luck would have it, Kanda did look down. Then back up at Allen's face.

"What's wrong, Moyashi? Am I turning you on?"

Allen just gulped and blushed harder.

"Well, now, we can't have that, now can we? Whatever shall we do?" Kanda tapped his chin with a finger in mock thought. "I guess we'll just have to help you with it, won't we?" And with that Kanda's hand descended and began to unbuckle Allen's pants.

Allen's breath caught. Was this really happening? His mind hadn't even fully caught up with _itself_ when he felt cool air hit his sensitive flesh. He shuddered, then gasped as he felt Kanda's hand begin to touch him. As Kanda's hand sped up in its motions, so did Allen's breathing. It didn't matter how they got here, all that mattered was that Kanda felt _amazing_ , and holy shit he was close…

"K-K-KANDA!" Allen yelled as he arched up off the floor, his vision going white. Gasping, he slowly came down off his high to see Kanda lick his fingers clean of Allen's cum. Slowly, one after another, his pink tongue flashing out from those gorgeous lips, catching every drop. Allen gulped, instantly hard again. Kanda smirked.

"What's the matter, Moyashi? Not enough?"

"I-I-I…" Allen felt involuntary tears appear in his eyes.

Kanda's own eyes widened, then softened as he leaped forward and carefully wiped them away with his thumbs. "Geez… I was just teasing. But I guess I took it too far, huh?" He chuckled awkwardly, looking off to the side. "Truth is, I kinda like you… and well, when I saw you like that, I couldn't really resist."

Allen blushed, and threw all caution to the winds. He reached up and pulled Kanda down into a deep, earth-shattered kiss, all teeth and tongue. "I like you, too, BaKanda," He laughed, "and I'm not the only one with a _problem_."

"Have any idea what we could do about it?" Kanda grinned, a dangerous edge to his words that really turned Allen on.

"Yeah," Allen chuckled. He slowly backed away from Kanda and began to strip off his clothing, doing his best to be sexy and _not blush_ , but he wasn't too sure it worked. Nevertheless, by the end of Allen's strip tease Kanda looked ready to positively _devour_ him.

"Come here," Kanda growled, voice husky, as he grabbed Allen's hips and pulled him closer. Allen ended up on his knees, steadying himself on Kanda's strong shoulders with his hands. He shivered as Kanda's hands roamed his chest, tweaking his nipples.

"K-Kanda…!"

"Get down on your back," came the order, which Allen willingly obeyed.

"You know what we're doing, right? How this works?" Kanda asked, startling Allen out of his pleasured haze.

"Yeah… yeah, I do."

"And you're ok with it? Completely?" Kanda reiterated.

"Yes, definitely," Allen smiled, darting up to kiss him quickly.

"All right. Then get ready of the night of your life," Kanda smirked.

He quickly lubed up three fingers with lotion that he had found in a drawer, and slowly, carefully, trailed them down the curve of Allen's ass. Massaging the entrance a bit first, Kanda leaned up to kiss Allen deeply as the first finger slipped into the tight hole. Allen winced slightly.

"You ok?" Kanda gasped.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Allen reassured him with a smile. It didn't _hurt_ , per se; it just felt kind of uncomfortable.

Kanda began to move his finger around, massaging Allen's insides. After a short while he inserted the second digit and began to scissor them. At this Allen hissed, brows furrowing in pain. Kanda reacted by licking his way up Allen's member. _That_ worked as a sufficient distraction. Allen arched straight off the ground, mouth open wide, but no sound managing to come out in his shock. While Allen was engulfed in the pleasure of a blow job, Kanda inserted the third finger and proceeded to stretch Allen's hole even wider. Now he concentrated on finding _that point_ , and finally, with a curl of his fingers-

"Ah! K-Kanda! There! There!" Kanda grinned as he continued to press his fingers against Allen's prostate, all the while sucking on Allen's dick. The combination was potent; it didn't take long for Allen to cum a second time, screaming "KANDA!" at the top of his lungs.

Kanda drank all of Allen's cum, and then moved up so they were face to face.

"You ready?"

Allen nodded, panting heavily, and Kanda slowly began to push in.

It hurt. _A lot._ Being filled like this… it was nothing like the fingers. Allen felt stretched to the limit, just shy of breaking. A couple tears trickled from his eyes, which Kanda gently licked up.

"Shhhhh… I promise it'll be better in just a moment. Bear with it for just a few seconds. Soon it'll be amazing. I'll take you higher than you've ever been, I swear. You're beautiful, Allen, and so amazing. I've never seen anyone as sexy as you."

"Arm and all?" Allen whispered, barely believing he was bringing something like that up at a time like this.

"Yeah," Kanda smiled, kissing his burned palm. "It's a part of you; how could I not like it?"

Allen gulped, then nodded. "Move," he whispered.

Kanda kissed his lips again, softly this time, and then began to move. Slowly at first, then faster as Allen began to meet his thrusts, encouraging him verbally as well as physically.

"Hah! Faster, Kanda, faster! AH!"

Kanda smirked as Allen arched, indicating Kanda'd found his prostate. Kanda continued to hammer into Allen, hitting his prostate every time, making Allen spiral further and further into pleasure.

"Ah! Kanda! I-I'm close!"

Kanda grunted in affirmation, and began to fondle Allen's member again. It took only a few strokes for Allen to cum screaming "YUU!"

Kanda followed instantly, pushed over the edge by the tremors running through Allen's body during his orgasm. "A-ALLEN!"

* * *

As clarity slowly returned to them, Allen and Kanda smiled at each other, kissing passionately as Kanda pulled out.

"So… wanna go have round two in the bath?" Allen asked.

"Anything for you, boyfriend," Kanda grinned, kissing Allen deeply.

Needless to say, they didn't make it to the bath until round three.


	4. Adamantine

Theme 3: Adamantine

» Strong as diamond, unbreakable, clear/and or pure

* * *

We've been through a lot together, you and I.

Our first meeting was a disaster. There is absolutely no way to deny that. But I'd like to think that maybe it was love (and sexual attraction) at first sight, and neither of us was prepared to admit it, so we just kinda went at each other's throats. I gotta admit that sounds a lot better than what it must've looked like to everyone else: two people who really hated each other right from the outset, and would never be able to get along in any way, shape, or form.

Because that's not what we are.

Our first mission together, to Mater, was perhaps the first time that we began to see inside each other. One of us used a mask to hide their heart, the other was willing to openly admit their feelings. But both of us cared for other people to the same degree. And that's when the connection between us really began, I think. Others saw us as opposites.

But that's not what we are.

We didn't see each other again for quite a long time, what with Mission: Find Cross Marian. But when we finally did reunite, in Edo, well, that was hardly uneventful, now was it? I mean, we kinda accidently tied to kill each other, and then just ended up arguing. No wonder about that, though. We'd been separated for so long, and our feelings had intensified, but neither of us wanted to admit that. So, as per usual, we just ended up spewing childish insults at each other. And to everyone else, we must have seemed like squabbling children.

But that's not what we are.

And when we landed in the Ark, we ended up arguing _again_. Blaming each other, looking for answers. Like always, we used the unfortunate and confusing circumstances around us as a reason to argue with each other, when really we were just being eaten alive by the feelings we could barely mask anymore, the feelings that we understood even less than the world around us. And everyone else must have thought that a typical, badly-timed fight.

But that's not what it was.

And then in Sweet Tooth's room, one of us stayed behind to allow the rest of us to escape. And when the room collapsed, disappeared, the one still alive felt pain and fear like nothing before or since. Because _they_ could not be dead. Not that irritating, pumped-up samurai. And people saw us as reluctant allies.

But that's not what we were.

And when we reunited, we argued, like always. We masked our joy to find each other alive with harsh words. But by then we knew what we felt. We hated to admit it, even to ourselves, but in that moment, from the relief we felt, we knew. Others saw us as comrades with a serious grudge.

But that's now what we were.

In England, at the orphanage, we saved each other's lives, along with the lives of others. And we couldn't hold back anymore. The moment we got a moment alone, our hands were all over each other. Touching, feeling, breathing. No words were said, but that was all right. There was no need – our bodies relayed our feelings more than words could ever convey. No one else knew, though. To them, we seemed like our typical argumentative selves, partners who seemed to actually enjoy the warring.

But that's not all we were anymore.

And then came the disasters. The 14th Noah, and the reawakening of Alma. We both fled the Black Order, hiding our pain, our fear that we'd never meet again. Others saw us as friends.

But that's not what we were.

And then we reunited. We were overjoyed, yet fearful. Because no matter what, all the world seemed to want to do was tear us apart. And people saw us as tragic heroes.

But that is not what we are.

We are strong, with a bond that runs deep through our veins, resonating powerfully along a chord that neither of us knew existed until now. We've both had difficult lives (in the multiple), and many sets of complicated relationships. But what we have here is entirely different. There is no confusion between us. No matter how much people may try to pull us apart, try to complicate our lives, we know what we are. We know that since the dawn of time, our being together, that was destined. And we are both willing to do anything to make sure that we stay together. We are adamantine.


	5. Retrouvailles

Retrouvailles

» French; the joy of meeting or finding someone again after a long separation; rediscovery

* * *

You know how they say "reunions are sweet"? Yeah, for us, they tend not to be.

Somehow, every damn time we meet, Kanda always ends up trying to kill me. I mean, ok, it's kinda made up for by the fact that our fights tend to be followed by either steamy hot make-out sessions or absolutely mind-blowing sex. But still…! I just wanna have one meeting – _one_ – that doesn't begin with a crazed samurai nearly slicing my face off. Is that really too much to ask?

I mean, other couples seem to get along just fine.

Take Komui and Reever, for example. I mean, they get along just fine. Their meetings always start with… well, ok, their meetings tend to start with yelling sessions about something Komui either did, or didn't do. So I guess maybe they're not the best example. However! I have never _once_ seen Reever attack Komui with sword. Komui… well… do his Komurins count? Whatever. Like I said, bad example.

Let's see… who else is in a relationship?

Oh! Ok! Take Lavi and Tykki Mikk. Sidenote: forget Kanda and I, _there's_ a relationship nobody ever saw coming. Not that anyone besides, like, Lenalee, Kanda and I know, of course. But I digress. Tykki has serious issues when it comes to killing people. That is an undeniable fact. And Lavi jumps from wise sage to crazy avenger in less time than it takes Kanda to undress me. … Ahem. … Moving on. … But somehow, they work. Honestly, the two of them are so lovey-dovey, it's almost sickening. Partly because I'm jealous that that Kanda never acts like that with me, but again, beside the point. I know for a fact, because Lavi can _never shut up_ , that he and Tykki have had sex _way_ more hardcore than Kanda and I. And yet they cuddle like kittens on a cold day. And they _never_ try to kill each other when they meet. Anymore. … They make a point of avoiding fights the other is involved in.

Then there's Bak Chang and Fo. They obviously love each other so much! I mean, sure, they argue. And sometimes it gets physical. But nonetheless, they never actually try to kill each other.

Maybe I'm being a little too hard on Kanda. Most of the times he's tried to kill me he didn't know it was me. I think…

But then again… As scary as Mugen is, there _is_ a certain comfort in knowing it's Kanda. Loveable, irritating, loyal, cold, sexy, grumpy, perfect Kanda. The Kanda that has fought by my side since so long ago. The Kanda that has taught me that even someone as scared and flawed as I am can find love. The one who brings me black roses. The one who groans, then secretly smiles, when I decorate our room with lotus blossoms. The Kanda who ended up "grounded" by Komui for a whole week after he beat up someone who called me a "fag". Ok, so I know I should have been annoyed at Kanda for getting in trouble on our anniversary, but when I was frozen by the insult he just… leapt in. And it was sweet, in its own Kanda sort of way.

So yeah, our meetings tend to be sort of violent. But I guess… they're still retrouvailles, in their own Kanda and I sorta way. Probably.


	6. Synchronicity

Theme 5: Synchronicity

coincidence in time; contemporaneousness; simultaneousness;the arrangement or treatment of synchronous things or events in conjunction, as in a history;a tabular arrangement of historical events or personages, grouped according to their dates;Physics, Electricity . the state of being synchronous;Psychoanalysis . the simultaneous occurrence of causally unrelated events and the belief that the simultaneity has meaning beyond mere coincidence.

* * *

Coincidences are funny things.

To be quite honest, that's all I have. I've always been taught that nothing is an accident, that everything happens for a reason. Time envelops all things, and flows ever on with purpose, even if we can't see it.

That's another funny thing: time.

When we want a way to say that something has always existed, we say it's been around since the dawn of time. When we want to say that something will always be around, we say it'll be around until the end of time. Time just seems… eternal. But I wonder… is it really?

* * *

I think our meetings have always been coincidences.

The first time we met was when I entered the Black Order. You just so happened to be the exorcist on duty, you just so happened to be the one they sent out.

* * *

Somehow, our lives have moved parallel to each other through time.

We both had tough childhoods filled with loss and pain. I had to kill Alma. You had to watch your father die in your arms. Sometimes I wonder, why us? I have no idea what we did to deserve this.

* * *

When we went to Mater, that was a coincidence, too.

It didn't have to be you, it didn't have to be me. It had to be the both of us together even less. But somehow, that's still how it happened, and to be quite honest, I'm glad of it. Our experiences there, with the Ghost, with Lala, brought us closer together. It allowed us to begin to see each other in a new light, even if we weren't willing to admit it.

* * *

Do you think it might have been our past lives?

It's funny, really. Of all the people I've met, of all the people I could have fallen in love with, I fell for the only other person whose past life, whose memories from their past life, weigh them down. I can't help but wonder, did we meet then, too? Did we know each other? As an exorcist and a Noah, did we hate each other? Or did we perhaps already feel the tugs on our heart that would lead to us getting together in this life?

* * *

Our meeting in Edo was unexpected, as well.

Now, some may say that it was bound to happen, because that's where all of the exorcists were being taken, but I disagree. When you came charging out of the mist, sword bared, it scared the living Hell out of me. I thought you were going to kill me, for a moment there. I mean, I know you were after Skinn Boric, but still… No matter how much time goes by, katanas, especially Mugen, are still horrifying.

* * *

While we searched for our Generals, our lives were far apart, but our souls were connected across the distance. You searched for General Cross, and I traveled with Tiedoll. But I swear, when Tykki Mikk tore you open, my heart stopped, and I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what had happened, but I knew you were hurt, and it took everything I had not to just abandon my mission and leave my General in order to search for you. I had to trust in the Order to keep you safe, to get you back into my arms again, no matter how much it hurt.

Inside the Ark, it was as if our lives slid out of time. I stayed with Skinn because I knew it was the only way you would be able to leave, it was the only chance you had to survive. Not long after, you fought with Road and Tykki Mikk, and then restored the Ark. You saved my life, you saved all of our lives.

* * *

Finding my Master inside the Ark, it felt like fate, sort of. A gift from the Heavens given in the most desperate of times.

Thanks to him, I was able to restore the Ark, and save us all, save _you_.

* * *

After that, our lives began to spiral out of control.

The Millennium Earl brought Alma back to life, and I had to leave with him, something that, might I add, I could never have done without you.

And Neah, the 14th Noah awakened within you, and you had to flee the Order.

* * *

Fighting together in England, I consider that a coincidence, too. A very happy one.

The Noah continued to awaken within me, and had you not been there, it might have consumed me right then and there.

Fleeing the Order, living in exile, we did it separately, but like at all other times, we felt each other in our souls.

* * *

Meeting again, that was the final coincidence.

There is an entire _world_ out there, but you still found me. If that is not a miracle, if that is not _fate_ , then I don't know what is. Seeing you again was like lightning; my joy mingled with my fear to create an energy that could burn everything if not properly controlled. Lucky for me you're here to do that.

* * *

From now on, as in the past, I hope to be able to stay together, live together, _be_ together. To me, you are the only thing I need. I don't care what the Order has to say about it. You and me: we're magic. If my life has proved anything to me, it's that even the Innocence, and all the gods that do or don't exist, Hell, Time itself wants us to be together.

* * *

Kanda…

* * *

Allen….

* * *

Whether it's coincidences or time that drive us together…

I LOVE YOU. 


	7. Yuán Fèn

Theme 6: 緣分 (yuán fèn)

» Chinese; a relationship by fate or destiny; the binding force between two people

* * *

"I always wondered whether it was fate that we met, you know," Allen mused, as he lay half on Kanda, half on the couch.

"Che. Fate doesn't exist, stupid moyashi," Kanda responded. However, despite his irritated answer, he continued to run his fingers through Allen's soft white locks gently.

"Aaawwww… Come on…! You know as well as I that our love is magic. It allows us to work together, and stay alive in impossible situations."

"That doesn't make it magic, moyashi. Honestly, how can you even say anything so cheesy without blushing? Jeez…" Kanda chuckled softly, bumping Allen's shoulder in a mock punch.

"What, so you don't love me?" Allen pouted.

"Of course I do, idiot. I just don't believe in fate. The way I see it, our love happened, our lives intertwined because we it was the natural thing for them to do."

"Exactly! It was fate!" Allen pressed.

"If the Black Order is fate, then fate can be pretty cruel thing. We've both been through Hell in their hands, remember?"

"Maybe… But out of all the carnage and pain, I got you. And there isn't anything I'd rather have. If all the Hells we went through were the only way for us to end up in each other's arms, then I say it was worth it." As he said it, Allen pushed himself up and softly kissed Kanda, closing his eyes as he did so. When he pulled away, he slowly opened them, to find Kanda giving him one of his rare smiles.

"I agree. All the Hells anyone can dream up are worth it for you."

They both sat there, kissing each other lovingly on the couch, forgetting the world around them. Not that there was much. After the war, all of the exorcists had gone their own ways. Allen had dragged Kanda all through the world, having forced him into agreeing to join a circus. But a year ago, when they had stopped in London, Allen had decided they should quit so the two of them could settle down. Now they lived in a flat; Kanda worked as a cook in a Japanese restaurant (who'da thought Kanda could _cook_?), while Allen played the piano in a salon. But they were happy. Because finally, _finally_ , they were together, away from all the pain of their previous lives.

Slowly, they pulled away, and Allen snuggled up to Kanda.

"Do you think we'll ever see them again?"

"Who?"

"You know… Everyone else. The others from the Order."

"As sad as it may be, I don't think so," Kanda whispered regretfully, "Lavi became the Bookman. Lenalee and Kamui went back to China. Marie and Miranda went to America… And as for the remaining Generals… well, we didn't even have any idea _then_. We've all just scattered too far apart. I highly doubt we'll ever see even _one_ of them again, much less all of them, together. Those times are _gone_ , Allen."

"Yeah, I know," Allen sighed sadly.

They sat in silence for a while. Kanda resumed petting Allen's hair.

"But at least I have you," Allen murmured, looking up into dark black eyes, a slow smile breaking on his features.

"And I have you," Kanda smirked, pulling Allen into his lap, wrapping his arms tightly around the smaller man and resting his head in the crook of Allen's shoulder.

"That you do. Forever and ever. If you try to run away, I'll find you. You will never get away from me again."

"I should be telling _you_ that. _You're_ the one that always kept disappearing, even during our time in the Order."

"I guess," Allen chuckled half-heartedly, "it was usually because I was half-dead, though."

"But you don't have to worry about that anymore. That life is gone – I'm here to protect you now."

The two of them stayed there for a while, warm in each other's embrace. Finally, with a deep-seated sigh, Allen untangled himself from Kanda's arms and got up.

"I gotta go," he sighed ruefully, "my shift starts in an hour – I don't wanna be late."

Kanda nodded understandingly. "I'll help you get ready. I've got another hour before I have to leave."

So the two of them chatted nonchalantly about random topics like what Allen wanted for dinner, the warm spring weather, what Allen wanted for a midnight snack, a possible trip in the summer, and what Allen wanted for breakfast.

Just as Allen was about to leave, Kanda spun him around and kissed him again, deeply. With a laugh, he then shooed a confused Allen Walker out the door.

After he had listened to Allen's boots tramp their way down the hallway and the stairs, he watched from the window as the white-haired young man crossed the street and turned a corner. After that, Yuu Kanda sat back down on the couch and pulled out his old friend, Mugen. He grinned.

"Maybe it was fate, after all…"


	8. Destroyers Who Save

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mentions of suicide

Theme 7: Destroyers Who Save

* * *

I'm pretty sure other people think I'm weird. And I don't just mean the cursed scar over my eye or the white hair. _Or_ the freaky-looking Innocence arm. People think I'm weird because I cry for the Akuma.

I understand their reservations; really I do. But I just can't share their feelings.

Because to me, the Akuma are like friends, sort of. Well, maybe not. More like lost children, I guess; they're beings I feel sympathy for. I know that they kill people and breed sorrow, but they really are just trying to live, in their own way. I felt this especially strongly when I met Krory, and learned the truth about Eliade. Those two were like Romeo and Juliet – as an exorcist and an Akuma, they just could never be. But they loved each other despite knowing that. And I can feel it in my soul – they still do.

Even more importantly, the souls bound inside of the Akuma hate what they are forced to do because of the Millennium Earl's trickery. They have to kill their loved ones who called them back from beyond the grave, and are slaves to the Noahs' will. They have to watch as their bodies, beyond their control, kill people again and again.

And that's why I cry for the Akuma. Because in the end, they are just poor, wandering souls, like all the rest of us here on Earth. Except, they have no control of themselves; they are good people, good hearts, forced to do terrible things.

So I have to destroy them. I have to kill them. It saddens me, their fate, but at least I know that I have freed, _saved_ , their souls. I am a destroyer who saves.

* * *

I'm not like the Moyashi. I've never had any particular feelings about the Akuma. In this life, as well as the previous one, I've viewed the Akuma as enemies, monsters, things to destroy.

But I do understand what the bean sprout feels towards them.

Because I, too, have been put in the position of having to destroy someone who I saw as a poor soul, one deserving of love and pity, because others saw him as a monster, and eventually turned him into one.

Alma.

No matter how many years, how many lifetimes go by, I can never forget him.

He was my best friend, and in another life, my wife. How funny fate can be, how _cruel_ , that I should be pitted against him, forced to try to kill him.

All I ever wanted was to be with him, to live with him. But _they_ , the Black Order, made that impossible. They used us – both of us! And then, when we were no longer necessary, they tossed us aside like trash. Even in death they would not leave us alone! They resurrected us once, and then used our bodies how they pleased, for experiment after experiment. Why us?! I hate the Order; I really do.

In order to save my friend, I had to destroy him. And it nearly killed me to do it.

But now the cycle begins anew.

The 14th continues to awaken within Allen, and I've already had to draw him back from that damn Noah's influence before. How many times must I do it again?! And how many times will it still _work_? After all, every time Neah's powers surface, his connection to Allen grows stronger, and it becomes harder to get rid of him.

I wonder; will I end up having to do the same to Allen as I did to Alma…?

I hope not.

Because honestly? I'm not so sure I could go through with it again. I'm not so sure I'd have the strength to kill that important person again.

Hopefully, I won't have to. But if I do, you can be sure I'll kill myself as soon as he's gone. Because Alma was all I knew. And Allen has become everything there is, my entire world. Without him, there is nothing left.

I don't care that I'd be saving him from the 14th. To me, it just feels like I'd be destroying him: my one, my only, my love.


	9. Hiraeth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: suicidal thoughts

**Narration**

_Allen POV_

Kanda POV

* * *

Hiraeth - A homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past

* * *

**I have lost everything now.**

_I remember sunny afternoons, a circus full of lively people. I remember being part of something, even if it wasn't much. I remember being with someone who cared about me. I remember the tricks he taught me, and the language only we knew._

I remember a dark, dank place full of caverns, and the boy who made it all seem like the most beautiful place in the world. I remember running around and having fun, all the while pretending I was mad. I remember being together with people I believed cared about me, and whom I cared about in return.

**What once was, is now lost.**

_Mana was a clown, through and through. His purpose – to make others laugh, no matter how he himself felt. He taught me how to do that, how to hide my pain and only ever show the world my smile. Even though we moved around a lot, when I was with him, I felt like I was home._

Alma was like the sun; he was always smiling. I know that deep down he was in pain, but he did his best to hide it in order to prevent others from worrying – he was the complete opposite of me that way. All I could ever do was push people away. Despite my cold exterior, being with him was exactly what I needed. To me, he was home.

**What is once lost, can never be regained.**

_When Mana died I felt as if I had been physically torn in two. Like the sky had broken, and the razor-sharp pieces were falling to the ground cutting me to ribbons. And so I made an unforgivable mistake – I turned my Father into an akuma. I paid the ultimate price for what I did – I had to personally end the restored life of the man that raised me. Nothing could have prepared me, and I will never forgive myself._

Alma's death destroyed my heart; froze it in ice, then smashed it with a hammer. When he regained his memories, he lost his mind. When he realized what the Black Order had done to us, he couldn't handle it anymore. He killed everyone, and I was left with no choice – I had to personally take the life of the person that was my world. It was my heart that was destroyed, but I was also the one who swung the hammer.

**Anything that can be given, can also be taken away.**

_In the Black Order, I found a new reason to live. I met new people, and made new friends. Perhaps even more important, I found a new place to call home. I had a place to go back to, a place where people awaited my return. But my new home wasn't just a place, it was also a person._

The Black Order maintained its hold on me, even after all that I had already suffered at their hands. I was the only successful Second Exorcist, after all – they couldn't just let me go like a regular member. I never considered it a home after Alma's death. It was a place to go back to in order to eat and sleep, and that was all. But then… HE happened.

**Because we have to eventually wake up, even from the most convincing of dreams.**

_Kanda was… something else. Our first meeting wasn't exactly peaceful, and for a long time I really did believe he was nothing more than an obnoxious samurai. It took many missions, and a lot of time, but eventually I began to see behind the façade, began to realize that he was just like me, protecting himself by wearing a mask. And slowly but surely, I fell for him._

Meeting Allen was a terrifying experience for me. When I saw him, I saw myself; the mask was different, but the truth behind it was the same. I saw Alma when I looked at him, Alma as he could have been, and it terrified me. I didn't want anything to do with him, but somehow he managed to sneak past my carefully constructed walls and make himself at home.

**And after awakening, sometimes we can do nothing but cry.**

_After the incident with the Ark, my world began to unravel again. The people who I had fought and sacrificed for turned on me for something I couldn't help being. I felt the world start to crumble away beneath my feet at the same time as the consciousness of the 14_ _th_ _began to eat away at my sanity. But through it all, he stood next to me, anchoring me, showing me what I was living for. But then he vanished._

When Allen returned with the Ark, the Black Order turned on him. It was nothing unexpected – if there is one thing I know, it's that you can never trust the Black Order. I tried to be there for him, tried to be what he needed to stay himself. But then… Alma happened. And once again, I had to fight against and kill the person I loved. Because I did love Alma – he was my wife in a previous life, and my closest friend in this one. I killed him and left the Order, effectively abandoning Allen in the process.

**For at some point, the carriage must return to being a pumpkin.**

_And then I left the Black Order. Tykki and Road arrived to rescue me, to break me out. I had to make the choice to leave the place that I had called home. Even though it wasn't one anymore, not now, not with him gone. And I can, even now, feel my consciousness slipping, fading away…_

I returned to find him, but I soon realized I was too late. Allen is gone – only the Noah remains. And as a General of the Black Order, I will one day be forced to take him down. Someday soon, I will suffer, for the 3rd time, the pain of destroying the one I love. But this will be the last time. Because this time, I will follow him into the dark.

**And all that is left is Hiraeth.**


	10. Philophobia

Philophobia – the fear of falling in love

* * *

I don't exactly know when it started, but at some point, I started to notice him. The way his dark black hair would seem almost blue in the sunlight, as if it had been dyed with the purest indigo. How deep his eyes were, and how easy it was to fall into them when he focused them on you, which he did every time you spoke to him. How muscular he was, and how tall. Surely he was born in the wrong place and the wrong time – he belonged in Edo period Japan, not 2nd millennium Great Britain.

And I also noticed that he didn't talk to people, and people didn't really talk to him. He was almost always alone, but he never seemed bothered. It seemed planned, if anything. He might look like a prince, but in speech he was rude and condescending. He pushed people away.

But I wanted to stay.

So I kept trying. I kept attempting to make conversation, to hang out with him.

And after a while, it started to work.

He was still rude, but he listened when I talked. He even seemed to care about what I had to say. He spent time with me; we went to restaurants and museums, libraries and classes. We even stayed nights at each other's houses. The years flew by in each other's company – an awkward meeting in our first year of college turned into shared stress as we worked on our Masters theses. Eventually, there came a point when I decided I wanted to take things a little further.

"Kanda?"

"What is it?"

"How do you feel about me?"

His eyebrows drew together in a frown. "What do you mean?"

"We've been hanging out together for a long time now, but you've never actually told me what you think of me."

"…You've never told me what you think of me either," he responded, not making eye contact.

I took a deep breath. This was my chance; I should take it. I should tell him how I feel, and then let the chips fall where they may. Better to go out with a bang than continue hiding what I felt.

"I like you, Kanda."

He didn't respond, just continued looking the other way. I shifted closer to him on the couch we were sitting on in the living room of his apartment. Hesitantly, I placed my hand over his, and he turned back to face me sharply, the frown still on his face.

"I like you a lot. I _have_ liked you for quite a while," I told him, taking a deep breath to steady myself, "I want… I want to have more with you than I already do." I gazed into his eyes, hoping he understood.

And apparently he did, because he got up quickly and crossed the room, leaning against the wall, eyes narrowed at me. Then he looked away.

I couldn't breathe. _Did I just… ruin everything? Is this the end? Did a few words really just mess up a friendship that's lasted for years?_ I felt like I was going to cry.

"I… I don't know what to say."

I looked up at Kanda, who still wasn't looking at me. _What does he mean?_

"Allen…"

My eyes widened. Since the moment we'd first met, he'd never once said my name. It had always been "Moyashi". Something to do with my (lack of) height; it really bothered me at first, but I got used to it eventually.

"I really don't know… how to say this. I've never had anything like this happen to me before – someone confessing to me, I mean."

I held my breath, wondering where this was going.

"A long time ago, I had a friend, someone that I guess I probably loved. Not in a romantic way; we were too young for that. And that person passed away." I noticed that his voice was shaking a little.

"Since then, I… I've tried to keep my distance from people. I didn't want to have to go through anything like that again. But you…" He turned to face me. "You broke through every wall I ever built, and now you're forcing me to face it, to face _this_.

"Allen… I-I don't know what to say."

I gave him a small smile. "Just tell me the truth."

"The truth is that I like you.

"I like you, and it scares the Hell out of me. Because I don't ever want to have to go through that again. I don't want to fall in love with you, only to lose you. That would kill me, Allen."

I had never seen him the way he was now. The Kanda I knew, the Kanda I admired, was strong and fearless. Passionate, powerful, intelligent and confidant. But the man who stood before me now, with his arms wrapped tightly around his middle, was someone I had never seen. And I felt my heart fill with emotion at the sight.

"I've lost someone, too, Kanda. And I can't guarantee that nothing will ever happen to me," I spoke softly as I got up off the couch and began to make my way towards him, "But I want to be with you. I want to know you even better than I already do, I want to see the sides of you that you've kept hidden away. I want to wake up in the morning next to you. I want that forever.

"I know you're scared," I continued, a bit worried when I saw him flinch at that, "and I am too. But I don't want fear to be what keeps us from being together. Because we are strong enough to fight it, and to win. Please, Kanda," I whispered earnestly, finally reaching him and looking up into his face, "fight with me." I threaded my fingers through his, relieved to notice he didn't resist the movement. "Please, Yuu, take this chance with me."

I watched in silence as he gulped, and a million emotions passed over his face and through those gorgeous dark eyes. Then he leaned in, brushing his lips against mine.

"All right."


	11. Dream Walker

Prompt: Dream Walker

* * *

I think it started when I was 8 years old.

I fell asleep and found myself on a mountainside with a young girl with green pigtails. She was crying, but I talked to her for hours, and I awoke when she laughed. I thought it was just a dream, I really did, until I met the girl in real life. She didn't remember me, but I remembered her.

When I told Mana and Neah, they were overjoyed. They explained that I had a gift – I could walk through people's dreams. Apparently it was an ability that had been passed down through our family. They warned me to use it with caution, because while the person whose dream I entered wouldn't remember me, I could make them happy or sad for the rest of their lives.

I spent years training my mind, getting better and better at controlling myself. Eventually, I started outright dreamwalking. I would travel through dreams, rearranging small things to improve the lives of the people I touched.

Sometimes people had a lot of dark emotions – sadness, grief, loneliness, anger. I had to visit dreams like that many times in order to free the owners.

I became what Mana and Neah called a Dream Healer.

It was a difficult thing to do, but I decided to go away for college. I knew that I could do more good in a city, a place where many people gathered, where pain and suffering were rampant. So I made the leap.

My first day at the University, I (quite literally) ran into someone who (quite literally) took my breath away.

"Sorry," I muttered, getting back up.

"Che. Watch where you're going, baka moyashi."

I stood there, stunned, as the man walked away.

_What an ASS!_

I saw him many times after that. He was easy to spot, after all. In a world filled with hurrying, harried people hunched over their books or work, the tall, proud man who looked like he'd just stepped straight out of a Japanese period drama was hard to miss.

I learned that his name was Yuu Kanda, but everyone just called him Kanda. I realized he didn't talk to people very much. And when I saw him, I felt something – it made my mouth dry, and my stomach jittery.

So one day, I gave in to the temptation – I visited him in a dream.

It wasn't at all what I expected. I thought I'd find a Japanese home, or an engineering lab (he studied engineering, after all).

Instead, I found myself standing on top of a lake. Freaked me out for a second, too – I thought I was going to sink. But the water held me up. My footsteps made small ripples on the water's surface, nothing more. The sky was white, as if covered by the sort of clouds you get right before the rain. Everything was completely flat. And everything was covered in lotus blossoms.

They were present in all sizes and stages of life. The water was covered with them, as far as the eye could see into the distant fog that obscured the horizon.

And in the middle of everything, there he stood. He wore what appeared to be some sort of uniform – dark blue with red trim and gold and silver decorations. It fit his frame perfectly. A katana rested at his hip.

"Are you Alma?"

"… No."

"Then go away."

I stepped closer.

"Tell me about Alma?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I know nothing about him. I only know that he once was, and that I must find him."

I walked away in silence.

* * *

I returned to Kanda's dreams many times after that. Each and every time we had the exact same conversation. Then, on my 59th visit, something changed.

"Are you Alma?"

"No."

"Then why do you always come back?"

I was startled. Until now, Kanda had not given even the slightest indication that he remembered our conversations.

"Because I want to know you."

"I only want to know Alma."

"And if he doesn't exist?"

"Then I'll wait here forever."

"What if I tell you the same? That I'll wait forever for you?"

For the first time, he turned to face me.

"Then I'll tell you it's time to wake up, Allen."

"You know my name? … And why should I wake up?"

"Because the world outside is lonely without you."

And with that he turned away.

* * *

"Forget it Lenalee – he's already been consumed by the Noah."

"So what, Lavi, we just let the Order hunt Allen down?"

"No; they'll never catch him."

"And what about Kanda? He's been asleep ever since he fought the 14th – and that was 2 weeks ago!"

"I don't think he's going to wake up, Lenalee."

"… What…?"

"Not without Allen."


	12. Xerophatamalia

Xerophatamalia - Disease where one in unable to cry

* * *

People tend to think I'm an asshole, but I don't really care, because why the fuck should it matter to me what a bunch of fuckwads says about me behind my back? They're all morons, anyway.

People also tend to think I'm cold-hearted, emotionless. Newsflash, idiots: just because somebody doesn't make a spectacle of their every thought and fucking feeling doesn't mean they don't care about anything. It just means I'm a reserved person. And that I hate showing weakness. All anyone ever does is exploit it, after all.

I'm a firm believer in the cliché that "actions speak louder than words". If I give a shit about whether you live or die you'll know, because even if I spend the entire process yelling at you about what a fucking moron you are, I'll still risk my life to save yours.

Not that that that last part matters much, I guess. I'm a lot harder to kill than a regular human, after all.

And besides, I haven't really had someone worth risking my life for in a long time.

...Is what I like to tell people. In reality, though, there _is_ someone. Someone I more than just _care_ about. As much as I may hate admitting that.

I mean, _come on_. Of all the pretentious assholes in the world, I had to fall for only one that doesn't fear me, _at all_. In fact, he seems to get off on pissing me off. (Well, ok, the baka usagi is like that, too, but… that's different.)

This asshole is… less annoying, and I can't even really say why. While the baka usagi just tries to piss me off, this little asshole seems to actively enjoy physically fighting with me. Which is weird.

That's actually why I began to notice it.

See, as much as this may surprise people, I'm actually pretty in-touch with my emotions. And I'm pretty good at figuring out other people's emotions, too. But that little kid is… different. He's almost as good at hiding things as I am. Almost.

Honestly, it started in Mater, for me. When I saw him cry over the death of a _doll_ , it made something inside of me melt, if only a little. For the first time, in a long time, I felt warm. And everything just spiraled from there.

He was hopeless, and hapless. He needed rescuing _every goddamn time_. He cried over the deaths of people that he didn't even know, and could never have prevented because he wasn't even fucking there when they died. He was so goddamn _emotional_. Maybe that's why he got me.

Or maybe it was his strength? Because eventually, he started to need less rescuing. He became stronger, even reaching my level. Some members of the Order even took to calling us the White and Black Devils. Because even they could see – that kid was no angel.

But really? He didn't have to be. Honestly, that was sort of the point. None of us are angels, and we're all going to Hell. Some might say we're there already.

Because the Black Order is far from a work of God. How could an organization so corrupt, so evil, so willing to break the laws of the universe, so willing to let people die, possibly call itself holy? There are days when I wonder whether we're right at all to even be fighting the akuma. Maybe the Millennium Earl is right?

I mean, there has to be a reason the Noah are so willing to follow him, a reason they have to hate the Innocence as much as they do. How do we know that the Noah are not correct? Perhaps, considering all the evil that has been wrought in his name, it is God that is wrong, and Adam is the underdog, the brave rebel fighting for freedom?

… I'm pretty sure the Order (or Central, at least) would have me killed for these thoughts. But what the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't stop my own brain from working.

And I don't exactly hold the Black Order in high esteem.

And then there's the 14th. How the fuck does he play into this whole mess? A "third side of the war"? There's no such thing; no one can win a war on two fronts.

Or can they?

Everyone who has known the 14th fell to his side, decided he was right, decided he needed to be supported. I wonder why? What knowledge, what power, what vision for the future does Neah have, that all but the Noah (well, most of them, anyway) believe him to be right?

Maybe someday I'll know, and I'll agree with him, too.

It's not hard to imagine myself deciding to support him, what with the skin he wears. Allen always could convince me to do virtually anything. Something about those eyes, and that smile… I never could resist, not really.

For so long, I've been enchanted by those eyes, that hair, those hands, that _smile_. Not the fake one he wears all the time, but the _real_ one, the one he shows only rarely, and perhaps only to me, now.

I love him, you see, and he loves me back. Many days, many nights we spent, reassuring each other of that one simple, yet oh-so-complicated fact.

And now Neah is going to ruin it, isn't he? The 14th tore Allen from my arms, and I'm sure he won't come back. Maybe in the next world? Or in our next lives? Considering how fucked-up our pasts are, "next lives" doesn't seem like too much of a stretch, really.

The worst part is, I can't even grieve. I haven't been able to cry since I lost Alma the first time. That whole mess… it broke something inside of me. Allen promised he would find it again, help me to regain what I lost, but he never did succeed, never had the time.

So all I can do is vent my anger on everyone and everything around me. Not that any of the people left here are ones I care about. I haven't seen Lenalee since she was sent to China 5 months ago. In fact, no one has. 3 months ago, Komui just up and left to look for her. Left Reever in a right mess, too. And Lavi's been missing since the Noah attacked him and his group, along with that Old Panda.

And that whole "punch everything that moves and kill everything you're allowed to" philosophy works, mostly. But every once in a while I get days like this, where I don't even seem to have the energy to fight. ( _ME!_ ) On these days, all I can do is remember, and think, and sit in my room, wishing I could cry.


	13. Amaranthine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, of course.
> 
> Author's Note(s): 1) Amazingly, I wrote 2 chapters for this fic, which will go up essentially simultaneously, which means I will only have one left to go. It took me 3 years to complete this, and if you've by some miracle been following from the beginning, I AM SO SORRY. 2) Thank you again to my lovely Beta, FandomlyCroft! :)

Theme 12: Amaranthine – Eternal Flower, Eternally beautiful and unfading; everlasting

* * *

Everyone associates him with the lotus. A beautiful flower, rising from the murky depths, fighting mud and cold and pressing water, breaking the surface to unfold, beautiful and proud. Except of course, it doesn't last: the blossoms wilt and die, returning to the bottom of the pond, only to rise again. It really does suit him, I suppose. A beautiful flower, born to die and rise again.

But when I see him, I think of amaranthine, of eternity.

I believe he will live forever, gorgeous and strong. Tall and dark, the picture of forbidden desires. Muscled and intelligent, lithe and arrogant. I could spend forever trying to describe him, but I would never actually succeed – the man is far too complex for anything to ever fully capture his essence. Not that I haven't tried.

How does one end up that way, I wonder? So pure and tainted at the same time, the very definition of contradiction. But that's how he is, and I wouldn't try to change him even if I could. I love that samurai just as he is.

Because _as he is_ , is how he saved me. He followed me down, away from the Black Order, through my possession by Neah. Even when he had no proof that my soul still existed, he stuck beside me, defending me and Neah from both the Order and the Noah. And eventually, he shared his power with me, in order to save my life.

And the Heart let us go.

We left everything behind, set out to face the world together, our Innocence keeping us alive. And every step we took, I marveled, captivated by the intensity of the love that Kanda held for me, and the intensity with which I found I loved him back. Who knew all we needed to realize we wanted each other was a war to determine the fate of the world?

Nowadays, I have nightmares. I wake up gasping in the middle of the night, clutching at nothing. I remember the War, and I remember the dead. I see the faces of those I could not save, or imagine the deaths of those who survived. And Kanda wakes up, too, and holds me tight, comforting me, reassuring me that _they're just dreams_ , and _it isn't real_.

I turn to him at those times and touch his cheek, lost in wonder. He looks the same as he did when we first met, and I haven't changed either, since the time he saved my life. Even though it's been so long…

There are cars in the streets, and airplanes in the skies. We've watched as computers were built, then miniaturized and combined with telephones. It's strange to see how much times have changed.

And it's a bit lonely, too. Kanda and I are still alive, so long after everyone we once knew has passed. Even the Noah are gone. But the two of us are still here. And I've watched as time has fluttered by, without changing us, without changing _him_.

He was never startled, never surprised at the turn of events. He still looks like he did back then; tall and brave and strong, and it makes me wonder. Does he miss the times gone by? Does he miss the world as it used to be? We spent a few years in rural Japan, and I could tell he enjoyed it – I just don't know whether he loved the similarity to what it had been before, or just the country itself.

No matter where we go, he fits in. But he also draws stares (I guess we both do, but that's beside the point). I wonder if other people see him the way I do – as a man out of time, as a man who no longer belongs.

Or at least, no longer belongs anywhere that is not by my side.

I don't see him smile very often – but when I do, it's at the intimate moments. When one of us comes home from work after a long day, or when I make him soba, when I tell him I love him during sex. When he lets his guard down around me, he smiles. I've never seen him smile around anyone else, and I take a guilty sort of pride in that.

As I think, I work on preparing dinner. Soba, the plainest food in the world, for the man I love more than anything. I hear keys jangle in the door before it opens, then slams shut. Heavy combat boots are thrown to the side, in a disorganized fashion, judging from the sound of it. I sigh.

"I'm in here!" I yell, and listen as soft footsteps approach. Kanda can be silent as the night if he wants to be, but there's no need for that here.

"I'm home."

"Welcome back, Kanda." I smile at him from the stove.

"What are you making?"

"Soba."

He smirks. "For old times' sake?"

"More like, because I love you," I smile at him gently, enjoying the way he looks at anything but me. "But also," I continue with a long-suffering sigh, "because I fear you'll leave me if I don't make it. Honestly, Kanda, I'd swear you love your noodles more than me."

" _Baka_ ," he chuckles, stepping up behind me, and circling my waist in his arms. I relax into the embrace. "Don't you know that beansprouts are my favorite food, _moyashi?_ "

I laugh with genuine mirth, throwing my head back against his shoulder before turning in his arms to face him. I loop my own arms up around his neck, smirking.

"Well, guess I'll just have to let you eat that for dessert."

"Mmmm... Don't mind if I do."

I lean up, he leans down, and we kiss. There's no awkwardness, not anymore. More than a century of banter, kisses and embraces has smoothed over any weirdness that may have existed in the beginning. I love him, and he loves me.

As I turn back to the stove, I can't help leaning back against his firm chest with a sigh. That beautiful, muscled, tattooed chest – all mine.

People associate him with the lotus, and I see why.

But in my eyes, he will always be Amaranthine – an eternal flower, beautiful and unfading, everlasting as our love.


	14. Abnegate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still don't own DGM, clearly.
> 
> Author's Note(s): Thank you again to FandomlyCroft, my lovely Beta! Thank you also to my loyal readers! Only one chapter left to go before this is complete, albeit 3 years late. Again, I am so sorry.

Theme 13: Abnegate – to deny oneself, often of pleasures and desires of the heart

* * *

I love him.

I love the way he smiles; sometimes it's soft and serene, other times bright and lively. I love that he can smile even after all the tragedy he's had to endure, and that any smile of his can instantly light up an entire room. I even love the way he smiles when he's pretending he isn't sad or stressed or worried, though I hate to see him that way. I tell him I hate it, but really I think the world would fall apart if Allen Walker stopped smiling.

I love the way he speaks. So British and polite: a perfect, courteous gentleman. He almost never swears, and maintains his composure even in front of his enemies. No wonder that little purple-haired Noah fell for him.

I love the passion he has for what he does. It tortures him, I know it does, but he still keeps going. He's desperate to save the souls of the Akuma, and just refuses to give up. No matter how battered, bruised and bloody he is, he _just keeps fighting_. I'm sure it'll kill him one day, that desperate drive to achieve the impossible, but I'll do my damnedest to protect him until I die, so that he can keep fighting for even just a little longer than me, at the very least.

I love the way the moonlight makes him seem ethereal. Snow-white hair, pale skin, silver eyes… He's so frail, it seems like a gust of wind could blow him away. That red scar, so inhuman, doesn't make him seem any more real. Bathed in the soft light of the moon, he seems like a star, distant and shining, but forever in danger of vanishing – just a small pinprick of light in a vast dark sea.

I love the way he plays the piano. His fingers dance effortlessly across the keys, releasing beautiful fragments of melody into the air. He sits so poised in front of the piano, but his face fills with the emotion he pours into the music. I wonder if this, too, leeches him – if perhaps when he pours his soul into the piano, he loses a part of himself in there every time.

I love how loyal he is to his friends. I know full well he would gladly die for any of us, and he would never leave anyone behind, not even a Finder. It's so unlike my own attitude towards life that it amazes me. Sometimes I wish he could care less, and thus save himself some of the heartache, but then it wouldn't really be him, now would it? I love that compassion of his, too, after all.

Really, there's nothing about him that I don't love. Honestly, he's perfect, in every single way. He's so perfect it's almost irritating sometimes, actually. Almost, but not quite.

I pretend it is, though. I pretend that I hate him, and that he pisses me off. I act even more harsh with him than with anyone else. It's my stupid way to gain his attention, and to make him hate me at the same time. Because if he hates me, we can continue fighting side by side; but if he comes to love me, then it's all over.

Everyone I love is torn from me; they all meet terrible fates. If he were to love me the way I love him, I know he too, would die, and suffer terribly before his death. I'm cursed, I'm sure of it. So out of necessity I push away the man most like me, the only person left that I could envision spending my life with. It's… really painful, actually.

But there's no other way. The Black Order is a harsh place, even worse than the world outside. Maybe out there, we could be together, in secret, far away from society's prying eyes. But in here? The Order would punish us, torture us, for defying their god. I wouldn't care (everything they've done to me until now has basically killed any ability to feel pain I may once have had – I'm pretty sure I'm less human than even Hevlaska), but I can't let that happen to him, can't let them break him as they've already broken me.

So I will continue to deny myself, to prevent myself from loving, from enjoying the pleasures that indulgence would bring. I will continue to abnegate myself, in order to keep the one I love safe from harm. In order to protect Allen Walker, I will make him think I hate him, and will have him hate me in return, even if we both secretly realize that it's a lie.


	15. Blue Roses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I still don't own DGM, amazingly.
> 
> Author's Note(s): 1) This is the final chapter of this collection, and it is 3 years late. There is nothing I can say to that. 2) Thank you very much for sticking with me all this time, and please enjoy this belated holiday gift. (Which is 4200 words long and 60% smut, whoops.) 3) A big "Thank You!" to my incredible Beta, FandomlyCroft. Sometimes I can't believe they put up with me.

Theme 14: Blue Roses – mystery or something desired but unattainable

* * *

I love roses. 

Of course I do, ask anyone who knows me – I’m an absolutely hopeless romantic. The Victorian age is my aesthetic. I play the piano and love dressing in fancy suits with far more ruffles than are strictly necessary. Roses fit into this ideal of beauty perfectly – they symbolize elegance and grace, gratitude and love.

And this morning, when I got to school, I found a blue rose sitting on my desk.

My first thought was, _Oh, it’s beautiful!_ My second was, _What the heck is it doing here?_ I looked around the classroom, but I seemed to be the first one in. _Huh_.

I took the rose home with me at the end of the day, placing it in a lovely red glass vase on the kitchen table. _I wonder who left it there? And I wonder why?_

* * *

 

The next morning, I entered class to find another blue rose sitting at my desk. I picked it up carefully, sitting down in my seat and inhaling deeply. It smelled heavenly. I was careful of the thorns that lined the stalk as I examined it. The deep, ethereal blue coloring the petals darkened to black towards the ends of the tips. It was wrapped in lovely light blue crepe paper tied with a thin red ribbon.

 _Yesterday’s rose was just a simple flower, it wasn’t wrapped. I wonder why it changed? More importantly, this is the second time in two days that I’ve found a rose on my desk that was put there before class. Does this mean… they’re for me? Do I… maybe… have a secret admirer?_ A blush covered my cheeks at the thought.

I heard the thud of combat boots to my right, and looked up to see Yuu Kanda pass on his way to his desk. _Surly as ever, I see_. He sat down heavily and glared down at his notebook. _He seems even angrier than usual. I wonder what’s up?_

* * *

 

On Day 3 I found another blue rose, this time in silver wrapping, once again tied with a red ribbon. Beside the rose was a gorgeous, glass, lotus-shaped candle holder. I traced the patterns of the petals on the glass, a smile playing around my lips.

_This… definitely means I have a secret admirer, right? This is so sweet of them!_

A smile played across my lips, and I heard a huff from behind me. Glancing back, I saw Kanda looking away, irritated as usual. _Just because he doesn’t have a secret admirer…_

* * *

 

On Day 4 I found another blue rose, this time inside a crystalline vase, and I couldn’t help but wonder what Day 5 would bring. _They have to confront me soon, right? I mean, there’s nothing really about these gifts that’s particularly helpful in identifying who these roses are coming from._

I sighed. Ideally, my secret admirer would be the guy I liked, though I hadn’t told anyone about it. But that just seems impossible – I’m fairly certain the guy’s straight. Still… Wouldn’t it be wonderful? Like something straight out of a fairy tale…

* * *

 

On day 5 I found another blue rose, this time with a silver ring around the stem. Under the rose there was a handwritten note in beautiful script.

_“Allen,_

_Meet me inside the Starbucks down on Main Street at 5pm tonight. I’ll be sitting in the back. You’ll know me when you see me.”_

I pulled the ring onto my ring finger, a smile crossing my features as light glinted off of it.

* * *

 

The day passed in a whirlwind of excitement. Who could my secret admirer possibly be? Did I know them well? Or just from afar? Had they maybe escaped my notice entirely? (I would feel pretty bad about that.) Was it someone I already liked? _But no, that’s impossible. There’s no way that guy is into me_ …

And even more important, what should I say? If it’s someone I know, then that could be all right, but if I only know them distantly, that could be awkward. I mean, the whole “I like you but not in that way” sounds pretty mean, but doesn’t “maybe we should start as friends” sound almost as bad? _Uugghhh… This is so complicated._

I sighed as I walked down the street, heading towards Starbucks. I had practically _run_ home, I was so desperate to shower and change. I mean, this is sort-of like a date, no? I can’t just show up in my school clothes! I even put on some blue and silver eyeliner, to make my eyes pop a little more. Otherwise, I was dressed in a red dress shirt, black skinny jeans, and mid-calf black combat boots. The shirt was obscured by a dark blue jacket; at the end of October, there’s just no avoiding a coat. I managed to dig out some red clips, too, in an attempt to get a handle on my unruly hair; it kind-of worked.

My breath hitched as I entered the shop. I felt nervous and giddy. _An honest-to-goodness secret admirer... Please let this go well!_ I looked around – there were quite a few faces I recognized, though no-one really seemed to be looking at me. I shrugged and ordered myself a White Chocolate Mocha with caramel and whipped cream. I looked around again with the drink in hand, but still no face was popping out, not really. _It’s 5:05. Guess I’ll check the second floor._

I wandered up the stairs and looked around. A couple people were sitting around, reading or listening to music. But one person looked straight at me, and I noticed there was a blue rose lying on the table in front of him.

“You’re late, beansprout.”

“You didn’t tell me you’d be on the second floor, idiot Kanda,” I hissed.

He rolled his eyes, then smirked. Then his eyebrows rose as he noticed my drink.

“What is that monstrosity?”

“It’s a White Chocolate Mocha with caramel and whipped cream. I like them,” I answered curtly, arms crossed. “Kanda, was there a reason you asked me here today? Or was it just so that you could waste my time and get on my nerves?” _And when I saw him, I felt so hopeful, too…_

He looked away. “It’s obvious, isn’t it?”

“No, actually, it’s not.” _Am I the one being the ass right now? Ah, well, he deserves it._

Kanda sighed and looked back at me. “I’m not very good with people.”

“I’ve noticed,” I answered with a grin as I sat down across from him. He rolled his eyes in response, but I could tell he was calmed by the nature of the conversation.

“Beansprout, you’re weird. You could have basically any person you wanted, but you never show any interest. It may pain me to admit, but you can be wicked smart. You care about people, too, and you’re attractive to boot. I’ve never really thought I had a chance.

“But recently, I’ve realized something. I hate not acting on what I feel; it pisses me off to no end. And you make me ignore what I feel, ergo, you are the source of all my problems.”

My eyebrows rose as he talked.

“So I figured, ‘fuck it’. I decided I’d tell you, and just get this shit-show over with, regardless of the result.

“Allen, I like you.”

It took a minute for that statement to register; I just kind of stared at him for a full 30 seconds, before I finally managed to choke out the vaguest response possible.

“What?”

Kanda scowled in irritation. “I said, _I like you_. So do you like me back or not?”

I had a funny feeling in my stomach, a weird mix of nerves and excitement. A smile grew on my face, and I could physically feel my cheeks turning red.

“I like you, too.”

Kanda stared at me for a couple seconds before quickly turning away. “Oh, ok. Cool.”

I stared at him, mildly irritated, until I saw that his own cheeks were a little pink. _Oh my gods, Yuu Kanda is blushing because of me_. Feeling mischievous, I leaned forward across the table towards him.

“So, what now?” I whispered into his ear, pulling away as quickly as I could while still maintaining my composure and cool. I think it worked, at least based on his reaction – he looked straight at me, and my breath caught when I realized his pupils had dilated.

“That’s up to you. I know what I want…” His eyes swept up and down my frame, and I suppressed a shiver of excitement. “But I also know you’re a romantic, and if we do this, I’m in it for you, not the sex.”

“Kanda, I’m the same way. I want _you_ , not your body. But I’d be lying if I said I haven’t dreamed of sleeping with you.”

“So then, if I ask you to come over tonight, will you?”

“Yes.”

“And if I ask you to have sex with me, will you?”

“Yes.”

Kanda smirked as he stood up, and extended a hand towards me. “Well then, shall we go, Allen?”

I gulped nervous and excited and amazed that he’d actually _called my name_. “Y-Yes, let’s.” I took his hand and let him lead me away.

On the way back to his house we talked a bit, but were also silent sometimes. It was… surprisingly comfortable. I mean, Kanda and I have known each other basically since we were kids. Our families have always been close, and we’re definitely friends. Though I’ll readily admit that I doubt he would have been willing to characterize us that way. Kanda has never been particularly open about his emotions. Which makes today’s conversation all the more amazing. And that’s not even talking about the roses. The mental image of Kanda laying roses on my desk caused me to giggle a bit, as much as I tried to contain myself.

“What is it?”

“Just thinking about you… and how sweet you were to put roses on my desk each morning this week.” I grinned cheekily up at him.

“Che,” he spat sullenly, turning away. I grinned, stepping in a little closer to his side.

When we arrived at his place, he invited me in without a word, gesturing inside. He shut the door softly behind me. “No one’s home – Marie and Tiedoll are at a week-long Black Order conference. They won’t be back until next Sunday.”

 _Wow. This is really happening_. It’s not that I had any doubts, it was just somehow a lot to take in – I was finally going to have sex, and with the guy I liked, no less. _There is so much in that statement that’s difficult to believe_.

Kanda led me to his bedroom, and backed me up against the bed. The backs of my knees hit the bed and I sat down with a gulp. Kanda leaned in over me, a smirk playing on his lips. “What do you want me to do, _Aren?_ ”

I took in a deep, shuddering breath. “Kiss me,” I whispered, looking up into his eyes. He grinned, leaned forward, and captured my lips in his.

I let out a gasping moan as Kanda kissed me, moving his lips against mine, licking my lips before nudging his tongue into my mouth. My breath was speeding up, and I felt a bit lightheaded. I wrapped my hands around Kanda’s body, clenching at his shoulders and pulling him down on top of me.

I felt one of his hands move up along my side, pushing up my shirt. As his cold fingers touched the left side of my chest, I couldn’t help but gasp into his mouth. I could feel him smirk against my cheek before he raised himself up a bit above me, and grinned before sitting up on his knees. Slowly, Kanda took his shirt off, displaying his muscled chest.

 _Damn_. Kanda smirked, grinding down against me, and I gasped. I had been stiffening, but the hardness rubbing against me made me _a lot_ harder. I thrust back up against him, relishing the feeling, until it suddenly disappeared.

I sat up, frustrated, to find Kanda smirking at me again. (Is that his favorite facial expression?)

“I would suggest undressing, if you want to actually get anywhere tonight.”

“Right.” The competitive part of me didn’t like how much the situation was under his control – I wanted to take it back. So I stood up, unbuttoning my shirt and letting it drop off my arms before shimmying out of my pants and underwear in one pull. I could feel my cheeks reddening, but I could also see the hunger in Kanda’s eyes. So I did the most powerful (most ridiculous) thing I could think of: I dropped down onto my knees in front of him, and rubbed my cheek against the hardness still trapped inside his pants. Slowly, I trailed a hand up his leg, then unbuttoned his pants and pulled the zipper down.

A soft hand settled on my head, fingers combing through my hair. “Only do it if you really want to.”

I looked up at Kanda’s somewhat strained face. “I want to,” I whispered, blushing, cursing myself as I heard the crack in my voice. Taking a breath, I repeated my words with more confidence. “I want to. Sit down on the bed.” His hands ran through my hair again, then he walked over to the bed, stepping out of his pants before seating himself with legs opened for ease access. _Oh GODS._ Kanda’s manhood was everything I imagined, standing proud and stiff and _large_. I gulped, but it wasn’t from anxiety. _All mine_.

I walked over to him, then sank to my knees again. A shiver of excitement ran through my body, and I grinned. I wrapped my fingers around the base of Kanda’s cock, massaging up and down, before pulling my hand away in order to lick a stripe up along its length. I went down again, leaving open-mouthed kisses up and down its length. When I reached the top again, I took the head of his cock in my mouth and sucked, pleased to hear the groan that came from Kanda above me. Encouraged, I went down further, lips wrapped around him. His fingers carded through my hair, encouraging me, but never once got forceful. I hummed at the feeling, and felt Kanda tense in and around me.

“ _Aren…_ Unless you want me to come _right now_ , I would suggest you stop.” His voice was ragged, and I felt inherently pleased to have brought such a proud man to this point. I pulled back off his cock, lingering only to kiss the head, tasting the bitterness of precum on my lips.

“Well if you don’t want me between your legs, where do you want me?”

“On the bed, under me,” he hissed, pulling me up by the arm. I obliged, laying down on my back as Kanda loomed over me. He looked me straight in the eyes, before leaning in and kissing me. His lips moved against mine, and his tongue swept along my lower lip, silently urging me to open my mouth for him. I obliged, moaning at the feeling of us entwining together.

One of his hands stroked through my hair, and I leaned into the feeling, gasping as we pulled apart. Kanda’s eyes were hooded, and his cheeks were tinged pink. “You are _perfect_ ,” he murmured, and I blushed in response.

He leaned in again, brushing his lips against mine briefly, before he moved down my body, kissing down my jaw and neck. My breath sped up, and I let out a startled gasp that quickly turned into a moan as his lips closed around one of my nipples, and his teeth scraped across it. A moment later, I felt a warm, slippery hand grasp my cock.

_“Kanda…!”_

“Mmmmm…? Do you like that?”

I had difficulty putting words together, and when I did, the question that popped out of my mouth was far from the most intelligent one I had ever put together.

“W-where did you get the lube?”

Kanda looked me straight in the eyes before snorting in disbelief. “From my drawer, beansprout. It’s also where I keep the condoms.”

“Oh.” I blushed hard, embarrassed at the stupidity of my own question.

Kanda was still grinning, but his eyes were gentle. “Allen… Do you want to go all the way? We don’t have to.”

I took a shuddering breath. “Y-yes.”

“Are you sure?”

I pushed myself up into a seated position, looking down at him with a gulp. Kanda, rock-hard, seated between my legs. _Gods, that’s a visual to revisit later_. My eyes flickered back up to his face, where I saw the hints of a smirk; he knew _exactly_ what I’d been looking at.

“I want this, Kanda, I promise.”

“All right,” he nodded, his non-lubed hand reaching up to brush against my face, “but if it hurts, or anything feels uncomfortable, _tell me_. Ok?”

I smiled at him, touched. Kanda was usually so rough; he swore like a sailor and practiced martial arts. He stomped around in his combat boots, and generally looked like he had just killed a man, or was about to do so. And yet, right now, here he was in front of me, showing a level of genuine care that I had only ever imagined he could possess, but had certainly never seen. “I promise I will, Yuu.”

“Good, then lay back down,” he instructed, doing his best to sound gruff and manly. But actions speak louder than words, and I smiled as I obeyed his command. I stared up at the dark blue ceiling above my head, feeling over-sensitized and excited. My breath shuddered as I heard the _pop_ of a lid, and the _crinkle_ of a wrapper, and Kanda’s soft but labored breathing. I could feel myself getting even harder at the thought of him gasping as he rolled the condom down his length. I was so caught up in this fantasy that it was a surprise when a slicked hand once again wrapped around my cock, beginning to tug up and down. At the same time, I felt a finger begin to circle my entrance, pushing at it lightly, tracing around my hole, all slick and wet and hot, urging me to open up.

Finally, _finally_ , when his teasing had me gasping and almost ready to scream at him to just _get on with it already!_ , I felt a finger enter me. I gasped, arching into the feeling as Kanda began to move that finger inside of me, massaging my insides.

“Ah, Kanda! M-more…!” I moaned out, gasping as he obliged me, slipping in another finger gently, and curling the two fingers upwards. My arms flew up, hands clutching at the pillows under my head as my back arched off the bed. “ _Gods…_ ” I gasped, as I lowered my shaking body back onto the bed.

“You like that?” Kanda asked, and I could _hear_ the smirk in his voice.

I laughed breathily. “Kanda, I’m _gay_. Did you honestly think I wouldn’t enjoy this?”

“Mmmm…” he hummed, “So you’ve done this before?”

I blushed, “To myself, yeah.”

“Hmmmm….” Kanda curled his fingers up again, and gasped out a moan, shuddering under his fingers, nearly reaching orgasm as his fingers rubbed over the slit of my cock. “I’d like to see that sometime.”

“Gah… ah… ah… Kanda! _Gods_ , you’re… you’re gonna make me cum…!”

“Mmmm… well, I guess we can’t have that quite just yet, now can we?” I felt a myself being stretched open, as his fingers began to scissor me, his other hand leaving my cock for only a few seconds, during which I heard the tell-tale _pop_ of a lid, and then felt a cool liquid poured over and _into_ me. I shuddered at the feeling, chilled and excited, both turned on and embarrassed at the squelching sounds made as Kanda continued to work me open. I felt a finger rub across and fucking _into_ my slit, and it was dizzying. I was so close, and I couldn’t help but admire Kanda’s technique. I mean, talk about _edging_ – every time he pushed me so close that I thought I would cum, and he would pull away just in time, so that I would come back down frustrated, blissful, and impossibly, even more turned on.

I felt him stretch me even wider – and when had he inserted the third finger? – and I moaned again, utterly lost in the feeling. So lost, in fact, that it came as a surprise when he withdrew, and I whined at the loss, hating the feeling of being so _empty_.

I felt Kanda shift under me, lifting my legs up over his hips, and then something large and hot and slick was being lined up against my hole.

“Allen…” I heard Kanda hiss, clearly struggling to maintain his own self-control. I felt a bloom of pride inside me at the fact that _I_ was the one that had pushed him to this point, had pulled him so close to the edge. “Allen, do you still want this?”

I almost rolled my eyes, frustrated that he couldn’t see that I fucking _needed_ him inside me. But I squashed the impulse, taking a breath. Kanda was asking me, again and again, because he wanted this as much as I did. I vaguely remembered the line he’d delivered earlier: _If we do this, I’m in it for you, not the sex_. He was going slow to make sure he didn’t hurt me, to make sure that I enjoyed it as much as physically possible. It was his way of showing just how much he cared, and I just wanted to fucking kiss him silly, and tell him not to worry, because I’m not that fragile. (I kind of like it rough, actually.)

“Yuu, I want this. I fucking _need_ you inside of me, and I swear if you don’t put your dick in me soon, I’m going to push you down and _ride_ you.”

Had those words actually just left my mouth? Judging by Kanda’s sharp intake of breath, they had. _Clearly, I’m going to have to work on my self-control_.

Kanda chuckled, “Maybe next time. For now, leave the reins in my hands.” With that, Kanda began slowly pushing into me, stretching me wide and filling me up. My breath came in quick pants, and I felt heat and pleasure thrill through my body. He stilled inside me for a moment, then leaned down, kissing me hard. A hand tangled in my hair as he pulled back out, and I moaned into the kiss as he pushed back in. He pulled back out and pushed back in again, beginning to set a steady pace, and I shifted, moving with him. His long hair fell around me, silk strings exciting my nerves, and I reached up, running my fingers through it. The results were immediate and entirely unexpected.

Kanda shuddered, losing his pace for a moment, a moment which I _definitely_ noticed. I grinned up against his lips, scraping my nails gently against his scalp, and he shuddered against me, _moaning_. Gasping, pulled up so that he could look me straight in my wickedly grinning face.

“You like that?”

He swallowed, obstinately unwilling to admit what I could clearly see to be true. I pulled at his hair again, and a shudder passed through him, and through me as well.

“Come on, Yuu, weren’t you going to take the reins?” He growled, and thrust back into me, pulling me harder onto his cock. The angle changed, and I could swear I saw stars.

“Y-Yuu! There! Oh Gods, there!” He shoved back into me, hitting that spot inside of me again and again, pushing me closer and closer to the edge.

“Yuu!... Ah… ah… Kiss me…!” The man above me growled, leaning in to kiss me, one of his hands tugging at my cock, and it was suddenly so much, so fucking much, and I could feel myself teetering over the edge, ready to fall, but I didn’t want to fall alone, so I reached up, hands tangling in midnight hair and tugging.

“Yuu!” I screamed, as my vision went white. I felt him, too, shudder beneath me before stilling with a rough, throaty groan.

We lay there for who knows how long, slowly catching our breaths. Kanda pulled out of me, and I sighed a bit at the loss. I heard him begin to move around, and the brief running of water before he returned, and began cleaning me up with a warm, wet towel.

“How are you feeling? Can you move? Do you want to take a bath, or shower?”

I smiled a bit. “Mmmm… I could really get used to you treating me like this, you know. I like it when you pamper me.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, beansprout.”

I giggled as I sat up, grinning at him, “Now _there’s_ the Kanda I know.”

“Shut up, idiot,” he muttered, but I could see the smirk on his face as he turned away. I watched his attractive, toned, unfortunately boxer-covered backside walk out of the room. I heard some clinking and running water, then the humming of machinery. A few minutes later, he returned with two mugs of tea in hand. “Since you’re being unreasonable, I figure we can just spend the rest of the day in bed.”

I grinned back up at him, “Hmmm… sounds like a plan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is! I figured, after all the shit they go through, these two deserved something nice, even if they are a little OOC. Happy Holidays!
> 
> Love,  
> Red


End file.
